I know I’ve managed to furrow many an eyebrows with just the title!
After having successfully shed the “good-boy” image to all who thought dating was a a sin but found out I actually courted for two years, I decided to write this post to open up a forum for discussion, as well as present to you what I believe is from the Word.
We all have differing opinions and understanding on this subject, and many of you might not even be interested to read beyond this point, but for the general good of all my precious readers who would like to expand their horizon of thought and are interested in working out an answer, I thought it would be better I write. I’m sure the learning would be both ways, for you and for me!
So, what is dating?
This is the definition that the Oxford dictionary has for the term ‘dating’: A social or romantic appointment or engagement!
Now many people confuse dating with courting.
Dating is a period of getting to know a person, before actually getting into a commitment.
Courting, on the other hand, is the period between getting committed to a person, and making it official with an engagement or a wedding.
Now, when you are dating somebody, you don’t really know God’s will for your relationship. But when you are courting somebody, you need to have been 100% sure that this person is the one that God has intended for you to spend the rest of your life with.
Now, getting into the subject, here are the burning questions:
Q.1 When is it not right to date?
When it imitates the worldly pattern, involving pure lust or is temporary.
The media around us has THE most disillusioned view when it comes to portraying the subject of dating. The movies, TV series, the personal lives of major celebrities and almost every person in the limelight give us a very wrong picture of dating.
Dating is shown to be always coupled with sex. So one of the primary motives to dating becomes getting physical with the partner, almost never intending on marriage.
Not just that; the world has a philosophy of temporary relationships. They are always in search of ‘the one’ while continually indulging in temporary, meaningless relationships with no future. That is why most marriages end with a divorce instead of at death!
Those are the dangers of following the method of dating prescribed by the world around us.
Q.2 Why do you need to date?
..followed by the real questions: What is the real purpose of dating? Is it necessary? How much is too much? What are my limits?
Well, for starters, one shouldn’t be dating if one’s not yet prepared to make a lifelong commitment for marriage. But if you are somebody who is ready to make this decision, dating will help you meet other single people with similar likes and interests. I have known countless people who thought they knew their prospective partners well, and fell head over heels in love with them, only to realize later that they were not at all compatible.
Spending time with your prospective partner helps you clarify a lot of your thoughts and opinions upfront, so you get into marriage with complete knowledge of what to expect from the ‘significant’ other.
The dating phase is never to get into an emotional or physical relationship. It is only to come into a place of mutual agreement and understanding.
Amos 3:3 NLT
Can two people walk together without agreeing on the direction?
That’s all that happens during the dating phase. You’re only discussing the direction of your lives. Walking together begins much later, on the day God unites you as one!
Q.3 Is there an alternative to dating?
Of course!
There are those who don’t agree with the above view on dating. Their perspective is that you should just pray, hear God, and walk in whatever you hear from God, that you don’t need a time of getting to know each other. I personally do not have any problem with this viewpoint. As long as you are 100% sure a certain person is the one God wants you to marry, all discussions, understanding and agreement could take a backseat and be resumed post your marriage.
However, I wouldn’t personally recommend this to anybody. Dating does not exclude God. It is only a method to test and prove if whether a person is God’s will for your life or not, by bringing judgment and discernment into our perspective.
Q.4 What role does tradition play in dating?
I don’t know what culture you are from, but my conservative upbringing is definitely not in favor of dating. Not even courtship. Here, it’s mandatory that the parents be the one who select the partner for their children. My wife and I faced a lot of heat for going the nontraditional way of selecting our life partner.
Irrespective of what your culture says about dating, the bible is very clear about one’s conduct before marriage. Though there is no limitation on selecting, or getting to talk to/know your prospective partner, like Jacob selecting Rachel or Joseph getting to know Mary before marriage, the bible highly condemns all kinds of physical, sexual relationship outside of marriage!
Hence, if you believe you possess the Godly wisdom and maturity it takes to shatter the world’s definition of dating and live up to the standards the Word has set for you, I would say dating is OK.
What have you learned new from this post? What is your take on dating? Do you believe differently? Please feel free to express the same in the comments here.
Great article first of all Pastor, I commend you for writing on a “not so easy” topic. Having been personally through the dating side myself before finally agreeing to a traditionally arranged marriage, I would recommend the later, but I do acknowledge that what worked for me is not necessarily what will work for others. As long as both have self-control and exercise Godly wisdom, I am sure dating is ok. Having four kids myself, 3 of them girls, I would like the opportunity to find them their life partners, but being realistic I know that is probably not going to happen – especially here in Australia. So I do pray for my children and their partners (as I know they must already have been born and are somewhere on this earth) that they will find each other in a Godly manner and in His time.
Regards
Gerard
Loved this article. And totally agree with every point. As far as God is in control, every method works.
I am a born again believer, my marriage was fixed by my traditional non-evangelical church attending parents and there was no dating or courting in our case. I was so worried and tried to stop this marriage as I wanted someone who share my faith and desire for ministry, I did not want to marry a random person(I only knew his name and profession, nothing else); but when none of my objections worked with my parents, I started to trust God and prayed as I am not able to do anything; I put God in charge and told God that He should interfere if this was not His will. I was expecting the marriage to stop even till the previous day of my marriage, but the previous night of my marriage God confirmed through His Word that this was indeed His will. After my marriage, I was in total shock when I discovered that my spouse is made by God for me, in every way. Till today, I cant thank God enough because my husband is more than what I had ever imagined.
It is better to trust God with our marriage. Trust God and pray that He will close every door that is not from Him and open only one door that is from Him. Prayer works!
Dating may be ok, as people see themselves as adults able to make their own decision,
but it s not really biblical.
If someone dated and married that person it is good and not sin.
But dating is not biblical, .as it excludes the advice and counsel of parents in a godly home that God has entrusted one with. In the bible, examples show God always involved some one like a parent or parents themselves. It is better to ask God first how to take the relationship ahead. If a christian chooses to date, telling the parents would show the care they deserve.
That’s perfectly said. Thanks for sharing your heart. We pray for God’s plan to continue to unfold in your lives and your children in His time!
I agree with you Jo, trusting God is the key factor when it comes to relationship. Anything we do, outside of it will fall flat!
Hi Lein,
I agree with you about the heeding to the advice and counsel of godly parents and even the spiritual advice that comes from home and the church God has placed a person in. Dating outside of that is not impossible, but very risky. Accountability is a key thing. All the essentials and dos and donts of Christian Dating will surely be covered in detail, in a later post. Thanks for sharing your opinion.
Nice!
I’ve always felt too the Bible neither supports nor opposes the concept of dating or trying to find the life partner by oneself, based on the same examples quoted here, although I guess by Jewish tradition the parents do the job for their children.
However personally I’d give my parents the prerogative to pick for me coz I know that’s the way they want it. And I’m sure this is true for all conservative families here. So I’d trust God and their ability to choose a compatible partner:)
But thankfully my folks are open about letting me explore compatibility after they do the prelims 😀 so even before entering courtship, dating might be ok but shhh don’t call it dating pls!!! 😀
Hi Ruby,
Thanks for sharing. In the Jewish culture the girls are given away according to the parent’s wish while the men chose their own wife. It surely is a fine choice to trust one’s parents with the decision making when they are godly believers, led by the Holy Spirit. You are blessed with great parents! 🙂
No problems and thanks for your prayers. Please pray for my oldest daughter Grace, she is 16 and in year 11. I have just come from the hospital and found out that she has torn her ACL in her right knee. Will need surgery and is on the waiting list – could be 6 months, but it is bad timing as coming up to year 12 she can’t afford to miss school etc. She is quite good at sports so her knee is important.
Regards
Gerard
Unfair!! The girls shouldn’t choose but the guys should!
Surely, we will keep Grace in our prayers. God will restore the strength in her knee!
Girls were considered as precious possession those days 🙂 We may call it unfair now, but just think of it, Israel was also called as God’s precious possession! Isn’t that analogy wonderful?