Navigating Age Gap Barriers
Transcript:
Apostle Priji: Good morning, today we have Jalen and Cacie. Would you please take a moment to greet our listeners?
Cacie: It’s such an honor to be here and I’m excited to share the gospel of marriage according to the Word of God.
Jalen: Thank you for being here. We believe you’re going to hear something you have never heard before, and it’s going to be an awesome time.
Apostle Priji: Could you please share a little bit about yourselves and your podcast?
Jalen: We have a YouTube channel called Jalen and Cacie. Right after our marriage, we faced unexpected struggles. Never go into marriage with the attitude that “I can do this,” and we didn’t enter marriage proudly. We had good premarital counseling and had many conversations with each other. However, no matter how much you prepare, once you’re in the game, it’s vastly different.
Cacie: Learning the art of sacrifice, you really don’t know how selfish you are until you get married. Marriage will always reveal the good, the bad, and the ugly all at the same time. After we were married, we were expecting all these honeymoons, but we didn’t know God was leading us down a road. One thing we knew for a fact is that divorce is not an option. We really wanted a happy and peaceful marriage because we believe in the marriage that God designed for all people. It took seeking God; it took us submitting to the Word, submitting to each other, and working through those prideful things we both had and those unrealistic ideas we had about marriage.
Jalen: It’s been a journey with a lot of ups and downs, and you know how we talk today; lots of these experiences we could share here about our years. But one thing I can say is that whatever trials we go through, we kind of look at each other and say, “I’m glad I’m doing this with you,” and if you can do that, I think you’re going in the right direction.
Apostle Priji: We’re really inspired seeing and hearing from both of you. In our earlier conversation with you, I got to hear that you’re writing a book. Do you have a specific topic in mind? Would you please elaborate on that?
Jalen: Yeah, we’ve got a book that we’re promoting, tentatively titled “Twenty-One Days to a Better Marriage.” It aims to help people do two things. Number one, create a plan for their marriage. God has a purpose for everyone in every marriage, and a lot of people struggle to discover exactly what that joint purpose is. So, at its core, every marriage has that purpose, but the question is, what is the expression of that purpose? In the first part of this book, we’re going to help couples hopefully find what that is through prayer, study, and practice.
And then we have a Twenty-One-Day challenge that has three major components: prayer, communication, and marriage education. The three main things that helped create change in our marriage when we first started through the process were innovation, becoming more intimately connected with your spouse, and praying and worshiping together, which you were not able to do individually.
Cacie: We realized that most marriages, when people come together, it’s really from an emotional standpoint. We connect, we have chemistry, based on similar interests. However, we don’t often spend time planning and building a marriage plan. We don’t get into business without having a business plan, and we don’t pursue higher education without a plan or vision for the future. So, we do certain things to ensure our future is set financially or career-wise, but we often neglect this when it comes to marriage.
If I may reason, we expect marriage to work; we expect our spouse to make us happy or fulfill us. But having a plan requires you to grow, educate, and, again, become less selfish. Because if you want to grow and learn, you must eliminate selfishness and have a plan.
Apostle Priji: That’s powerful, especially when we have a plan, we also have a destiny or goal in mind. Those who don’t have a goal in mind would necessarily want to plan and have a mental picture of where they want the marriage to be ten years from now and what kind of example they want to set for their church with their love for each other.
I want to ask you, I have met a lot of couples who had a huge age gap in their marriage. Have you faced people like that, and what are some of the challenges when there is a big age gap between the spouses?
Cacie: In fact, we have an age gap of eleven years, and I’m eleven years older than my husband. Many people may think that engaging in this kind of relationship may not have their family in agreement. How do you handle the in-law? First and foremost, we don’t put our age gap on a pedestal; it’s not what brought us together, and it’s not what will keep us together. No matter what your age gap is, the word of God has to be the foundation and the principle. It works for all types of marriages, but there are some things that you may need to consider based on your culture and comparability. If my husband was going to look at me as I get older and he’s younger, there are real fears and concerns. If you feel like you cannot get past that, then that’s not a relationship you should be entering into.
Jalen: As far as unique challenges go, we get that question a lot. We’ve had several questions on our channel, and our most popular videos are always about age gaps. Specifically, people wonder if they need a younger partner who can understand them better or keep up with them in a relationship. They often overcomplicate the issue. For example, when talking about submission, someone might ask, “How can I submit to a person younger than me?” The ultimate answer is, well, do you understand submission? Age doesn’t matter in submission. We tend to create extra issues and problems because we’re afraid of people’s perceptions. Sometimes, people who have grown older become more stubborn. If you’re someone who is constantly growing in the Word and renewing your mind, the challenges can vary. Before we got married, I had to sit with myself and answer to myself.
Apostle Priji: Yeah, I completely agree with everything they said. In fact, it’s a big taboo issue in our culture in India. People don’t talk about it, or they don’t want to deal with it. Somebody married a guy younger than her, and she was expected to leave the church because of it. It’s a serious matter in certain contexts and cultures. At the end, it’s a matter of your heart. If that person is stubborn or moldable, growing in the Word of God and the spirit, is that person leading me to the Lord Jesus? Is that person an accurate representation of Christ to me? That’s what it means to be the head of the house. Just because he is older doesn’t mean he will be mature. It takes a deep personal relationship with God and humility, allowing us to love the Lord and continue to work on our character. The guy may be younger, but he still has the position and role. The biblical role of a man is different from the biblical role of a wife, and this can vary in different cultures, even within India, depending on the urban or rural setup. Understanding how God has established rulers and order is crucial.
Jalen: The touchy topic of submission, whenever our Pastors teach it in church, it gets really quiet. Over the years, my understanding has grown, especially as a married man. I tell people it goes back to creating a plan for your marriage. Whenever there’s a vision—this applies to families, companies, organizations, nonprofits—someone has to be the leader, the one who is going to execute it. Through partnership or subordinates, whether hired employees, they need people to complete the vision; it cannot be done alone. Any vision that aims to have an impact requires more than one person.
So, when it comes to headship, talking to men involves understanding that, when approaching a woman, you should be the one to go and ask her to marry you. You should convey that you need her because you have a vision given by God. You are not coming to her without a vision, and you understand that you cannot achieve it without her. You tell her that God has revealed to you that she is the one. If she agrees and wants to be a part of this vision, she says yes. In return, you promise not only to complete this vision with her help but also to take care of her—spiritually and physically. I started when I was in my early twenties, and my wife had a business. I needed her assistance. So, wherever you start, have a clear plan with communicated expectations.
The main thing I would say to a man is to give women peace when it comes to submitting to a man. Find out and make sure you hear from God because the definition of manhood, to me, is the ability to hear from God. That’s what defined Adam and separated him from the animals. Adam walked with God, and they communicated. Find a man who can communicate with God because that’s where the vision originates.
Cacie: That was what gave me confidence that he would be a good husband—not because of his looks or money, but because of his ability to hear from God. I’ve had the privilege of seeing him grow into the man he is and watching God work through him. Seeing the respect he has for his family and leadership gave me confidence, and despite his age, I could see that he could hear from God. I wasn’t just infatuated with him as a person; I respected the anointing on his life. That’s what made me fall in love with him and continues to keep me in love with him.
Jalen: From the woman’s perspective, you act as a spiritual incubator. You take the seed of the vision that he has, and you grow it. Since I’ve been married, my vision has increased, my needs have increased, and I desire more—not just materially. My wife has expanded my ambition, prosperity, and vision. A wife is designed to incubate because she’s the garden that the man sows, and you take care of your garden to yield fruit. Everyone who sees the garden doesn’t see the husband, but that’s where it all comes from, I believe.
When you compliment the garden, you compliment the gardener. A real man is pleased when his wife achieves things and receives compliments. Done correctly, it’s not about power and control. She depends on me to hear the voice of God. I can tell when she needs me to go into prayer before God and come back to her with what He’s saying because it’s weighing on her.
Now, I’m okay with what God has spoken to me. I think we should do this, and she’ll agree. If she’s not 100% on board yet, I wait. The best premarital counseling we got was if your wife is not on board, don’t try to go and do it your way until she’s on board. You could be wrong, and it’s possible I can be wrong. I can miss her or she needs time, and God understands that we are one for a reason. Paul said he wished people would not get married because they could get more work done faster like him. But when you’re married, you get responsibilities. I understand it takes longer sometimes, but regardless, you’re one. If you’re not in agreement, you’re not going to get that thing done. So, I’m wise enough to know she’s got to be on board, or we’re going to have to wait until she is, and God speaks something that we’re both in agreement with. I come to her or she comes to me because she can hear the voice of God. When you have that set up, a real woman amazes me, and as a real man, loving and covering his wife and providing, follows her needs as Jesus did for his church.
Apostle Priji: That’s perfect advice. For girls and daughters, I advise finding a man who can hear God’s voice. You’ll never go wrong because if you find someone submitted to God, the Lord will teach him, and you won’t have to be constantly up on him.
Cacie, let me ask you something on behalf of my sisters. There are many people that we mentor and lead, and these sisters of ours may have husbands who are not in the Lord, or they are in the Lord but not as strong or don’t understand their relationship with God. They might not comprehend their spiritual level or be more focused on business or work. As a woman of God who wants to build a house on values rooted in scripture and led by the spirit, how can a wife continue to believe God for a home and family that is rooted in scripture and led by the spirit when they’re already in a marriage where the husband may not necessarily be leading from a Godly perspective? How would you advise them to keep holding on, bringing the right things, and believing for the right things for their family and children?
Cacie: First of all, the Holy Spirit knows you and your spouse. The Holy Spirit knows what it’s going to take to unlock your husband and open him up to the things of God. As a wife, our job is to respect and honor our husbands, irrespective of who they may or may not be. Men need respect; they need honor, and they need to know that you respect them even when they do wrong. They don’t want to be berated.
We encourage women to stop doing that and instead, get in the face of God and spend time interceding in the Holy Spirit. The Holy Spirit knows and will provide insights on how to minister love to your husband. Even in our early days, when Jalen was developing and growing, there were times I couldn’t tell him he was wrong even when he hurt my feelings. I would go to the closet and intercede on his behalf. God is our Father, and I talk to Him like I talk to my Dad, being real with Him. Within days or sometimes weeks, Jalen would come back and say the Lord ministered to him about something. He would apologize or healing would take place. The level of development and growth in my husband happened through those times.
I don’t care how good you are as a woman; you can’t change a man because that’s not your job. It’s the Holy Spirit’s job to change your husband. So, if you’re not married yet or if you’re married and he may not be on board spiritually yet, you can still change him through respect and love. Only the love of God can change a person, and as a wife, we have the power to love our husbands in a way that can change their minds. We need to be willing to submit to God, set aside our feelings and emotions, and let God minister to us and transform us during those times.
Apostle Priji: That’s powerful. I like the statement you made that the Holy Spirit is the best person to understand each situation and be the best counselor. He’s the right person to help, and sometimes we take on the role of a pastor. I would want to ask you, for couples facing turmoil in their marriage, considering separation, or giving up on dreams they had together, how would you encourage them? What advice would you give them on seeking help? Sometimes it’s easy to seek help before marriage through premarital counseling, but after getting married, we hesitate to reach out for help and mentorship. What would be your advice to young couples, couples married for a particular season, and if they’re going through a tough season, how can they seek help, and in what ways can they find solutions?
Jalen: Seek help through books, videos, or services, or find someone at your church. Definitely seek out someone who has been through it before and can guide you. Start there because sometimes, while you should be praying and getting into the word, you could be so in the middle of the storm that it’s hard for you to hear properly what you should do. You need that voice of guidance from someone who is Spirit-filled, who can speak into your life and speak to the situations. I would say definitely seek out their guidance.
Cacie: Marriage is like any high school continuing education, so even though we’ve been married for a while now, we still go to conferences and listen to teachings about marriage. It never ends, and that’s what keeps us growing. It’s important that both parties are online and on board. Many times, we find marriages where the wife may not be ready for counseling, or the husband may not be ready for counseling. So, how do we navigate that? Well, you can go to counseling by yourself if you know you can because, even though your spouse may not be ready, you still need to build yourself. You still need to learn how to navigate in a situation like that, so you can do that until your spouse is ready to come on board. We always encourage couples to find a church that teaches the truth because you need to be on solid ground, and you need to be around people that can help. We encourage young couples to make friends with older couples who have been through this, are more mature, and can guide them through these things. Also, ask your pastors if there’s marriage counseling available in your church. Take full advantage of counseling because it will be helpful to you in the long run. The biggest destroyer of marriages is pride. You cannot be so prideful and think that you know it all, no matter how long you’ve been married. If you don’t let pride get in the way, you will be okay and be able to receive God when necessary.
Apostle Priji: Thank you so much, Jalen and Cacie, for joining us on this podcast. Friends, I’m sure that the Lord has ministered to your hearts and spirits. Make sure to share this with someone. God bless you.