How Your Short Temper is Killing Your Marriage!

In one particular session counselling a couple, I realised that short temper and constant anger can be a big force of destruction in married relationships.

It’s very easy for us to be ourselves and react the way we like and we want. We even expect our spouses to understand and accept us as we are. But rarely do we make an active decision to sacrificially change ourselves, our habits and our patterns for the benefit of our spouse. When you have expectations from your spouse to act, behave and even change to adapt to your lifestyle, it is obviously going to lead to disappointments. And storing up constant disappointments can become an emotional dam that eventually bursts out. Anger, then, becomes the channel of your expression.

That’s still understandable and can be taken care of, by appropriately dealing with the disappointments as and when they come.

But the extreme case of this situation is when you have a short temper and you lose your cool in almost every challenging situation. Some of us blame it on our genes, while others blame it on the fault of our spouses. Either way, a quick and angry reaction to an event or circumstance can easily end up becoming thoughtless, hurtful and even sinful.

We also give excuses or make statements like ‘all couples fight’ and ‘short temper is common in every marriage’. What we don’t realize is that, in the long run, this can become a huge barrier in your marriage that will end up nullifying your level of trust and intimacy. In this post, let me try to point out a few things that come as a result of you not exercising control over your temper and growing above it.

1. Communication Breakdown

The one thing that holds a marriage together is constant and continuous communication. However, when you would choose to engage in irascible behaviour, sooner or later you will begin to get weary of each other. Your ability to interact with each other will be thwarted by the fear of how the other person will react. Your spouse wouldn’t be able to freely express or be himself or herself with you. Can you imagine how hard that can be? Isolation in marriage is one of the key strategies of the enemy to destroy the relationship in a marriage. If he is able to detach your heart from your spouse’s, then its just a matter of time before he can get you attached to other people, or work or sometime even ministry to take the place of your spouse. That’s why you should not allow your short temper to eat up on your communication with your spouse.

2. Sign of Dishonour

Bible commands our relationships to be guarded and covered with honour for each other. (Romans 12:10). But our cantankerous behaviour can demean and destroy the honour and respect we have for each other. It doesn’t matter what love and respect we have for each other in our heart. What matters is how we express it with our words. If we allow our anger free reign in our life, it will soon be reflected by the words we speak. If you are serious about not letting the enemy have a foothold in your marriage, then you need to stop your anger from becoming dishonour. That’s why Apostle Paul teaches us to not let our anger yield us into sin.

3. Ambiguous Decisions

When we are guided by our anger and short temper, we will eventually be emotional in the way we make our decisions and respond to our spouses. And such sentimental responses to every life situation can lead you off track from what God is doing in your life. And one of the best ways to destroy your marriage is to go off track in your destiny. Can you imagine taking a decision to quit a job or give up a ministry because you were too emotionally charged up from your conversation with your spouse? Do you think that is going to be a stable or a healthy marriage? God’s desire for our relationships is for us to brood homes that are secure, where each and every person under its roof feels safe. We need to learn to trust in God and invite his help in making all our decisions, if we need to see success and growth constantly. (Proverbs 3:5-6)

4. Negative Example

Another great danger of uncontrolled speech and reaction in your married relationships is that your children and other married couples around you will imitate you and learn from your example. Anger is never the problem solver. Love and gentleness sure can be. In fact I would say that it’s better to let your spouse take you for granted or even abuse the trust you have in them rather than pushing for your own way in anger. If you have failed to demonstrate to your children the power of forgiveness and the value of mutual respect, then technically your marriage has failed. Bible says that one of the primary purposes of marriage is to produce and raise godly children. (Malachi 2:15) How can we successfully do that if we are constantly vengeful and attacking towards each other in every nook and turn. May your example as a husband and wife be a blessing to your children in their future marriages.

5. Misrepresenting Jesus

Here’s the strongest reason for you to overcome your temper struggle in marriage. When Apostle Paul was teaching and writing about marriage, he explains how it represents the relationship between Jesus and the church (Ephesians 5:21-33). So it becomes the responsibility of every married couple to represent the love and the grace of Jesus through their marriage and service to each other. However when we are overcome by our ego and by our self will and are unwilling to budge or change our behaviour patterns, it is a direct misrepresentation of the relationship God wants to pursue with the church. There’s no other relationship where God has put such a responsibility to imitate him. For example, God didn’t ask the fathers to love their children the way God loves His children, but he does so to husbands. The Bible asks them to love their wives the same way that Christ loves the church.

My aim at writing this post is not to point out your mistakes and failures, but to highlight the huge price we all will need to pay off when we are not willing to actively humble ourselves and grow in our ability to be patient and kind in our married relationship with our spouses.

If you are going through a repeated challenge of temper struggle in your marriage and you need help, feel free to write to us at [email protected] and we would love to connect you with someone who can walk alongside you and help you in this journey.