Making Decisions & Managing Disagreements

In today’s MarriageTalk, Apostle Priji and Pastor Vijay discuss the dynamics of decision-making in marriage, emphasizing trust, patience, and shared responsibility and highlight the importance of honoring each other’s perspectives, allowing time for thoughtful decisions, and avoiding blame-shifting. Pastor Vijay explains that leadership in marriage is not about dominance but about taking responsibility with love and humility. Through personal experiences, they illustrate how giving space for each other’s viewpoints strengthens the relationship. If you’ve ever struggled with making big decisions as a couple, this discussion offers valuable guidance on navigating them with grace and unity.

Transcript:

Apostle Priji: Welcome to the Marriage Talk Podcast. It’s a joy to have each of you join this conversation. It’s been a while since we recorded an episode, and it’s important to resume discussions on key aspects of marriage—preparing for it, sustaining it, and seeking help when needed. That’s why we’re back, and we hope this blesses you.

If you have questions, concerns, or need counseling, feel free to reach out, and we’ll connect you with someone who can guide and encourage you.

Today, I’m joined by my dear friend, Pastor Vijay. It’s great to have you back. The last time you were on Marriage Talk was a couple of years ago when we were in Uganda. We recorded that episode in a small hotel room after finishing some meetings. Now, you’re here in Bangalore, and we’re excited for this conversation.

I always enjoy speaking with you and learning from your perspective. You’ve been a blessing to both married couples and those preparing for marriage. We hope today’s discussion helps our listeners as well.

To start, what’s on your heart regarding marriage in the church today? Where do you see areas that need attention and improvement?

Pastor Vijay: Thank you for having me. It’s always a joy to be here in Bangalore and to record this podcast, knowing it will bless people.

Marriage dynamics are shifting because of the times we live in. It doesn’t look the same as it did in traditional Christian homes. Many couples today are both working, and while that might seem manageable before kids, it changes drastically once children come into the picture.

Even without kids, there are many decisions to make—should both partners continue working as they did before marriage? What if one suddenly feels the need to shift careers? Life happens, and unexpected choices come up.

We’ve been counseling couples—both young and older—about decision-making. How should decisions be made? What factors should be considered? When both partners have valid points but reach an impasse, how do they move forward? These are critical conversations.

Apostle Priji: That’s so important. Decisions shape our future, and wrong choices can derail us. Married couples must prioritize decision-making, research it, and take the time to understand the process.

Since most of our listeners are Christians who believe in biblical marriage, what should be the fundamental principles they follow when making decisions?

Pastor Vijay: Every couple is different. They come from different backgrounds, cultures, and family experiences, which shape their decision-making process.

Biblically, the husband is the head of the house, but that doesn’t mean he makes all the decisions alone. Marriage is a partnership. While spiritual authority should be respected, decision-making should be mutual. Even the head of the household can have a viewpoint that doesn’t align with God’s will.

Both partners must discuss, deliberate, and prioritize what’s best in each situation. It’s not about who “wins” an argument but about what’s right for the family. A husband can’t just say, “My word goes.” That creates an unhealthy patriarchy.

Apostle Priji: Exactly. Decision-making as a team can be challenging because personal convictions, perspectives, and practical constraints come into play.

How do couples reach a decision together, especially when they disagree?

Pastor Vijay: My wife and I had to learn this through experience. It took time to understand why we each thought the way we did. A lot of it comes from how we were raised.

For example, I’m naturally a saver. I track every expense. My wife, though not a big spender, isn’t as structured about finances. We once had a heated discussion about it, and I realized my habit came from watching my father, who had different financial pressures than I do. Her family handled money differently.

We had to understand each other’s perspectives and recognize that decisions shouldn’t be made out of fear or habit. That helped us agree on financial priorities, like budgeting for eating out.

Apostle Priji: That makes sense. Besides upbringing, what external factors influence decision-making in marriage? How much should outside influences be allowed?

Pastor Vijay: The first and most important factor is seeking God’s guidance. His word should be the foundation for any major decision.

For instance, when I decided to leave my job shortly after marriage, my wife hadn’t heard the same direction from God. But she trusted my ability to hear Him and supported me, even though she didn’t fully understand the decision at first.

Other influencers include children, extended family, societal expectations, and financial circumstances. While these factors matter, they shouldn’t override God’s leading or the unity between spouses.

The key is balance—listening to wise counsel while keeping the marriage partnership strong and centered on God.

Pastor Vijay: Now, I might not understand every decision my wife makes, or she might not understand my perspective, but I definitely know she’s not being selfish in what she is saying. So, in that, you have to really trust each other’s character and what their ultimate desire is.

Yes, it is so important because isn’t marriage all about trust? Isn’t marriage about leaning on each other? Because as much as I am made in the image and likeness of God, my wife is as well. There is no reason for me to doubt that she cannot have a viewpoint that is different from mine and her viewpoint is more correct.

Another thing that we have to take into consideration is: do we have to make that decision then and there? Many times, conflict arises because both parties want to come to a decision at that moment, and neither is willing to bring in time. Time gives us an opportunity to ponder on each other’s ideas. Do I need to make this decision right now? Can we postpone it for another week? Can we give it another month? Especially when it is a bigger decision.

For example, recently, we had to decide which school our son should go to. It was such a big decision. Now, I studied in a state board school, but if I say today, “Let me just send my son to a state board school,” my wife had a different approach to it.

We had to sit and discuss whether I wanted to send him to a state board because I liked the education or if it was financially driven. My wife had a different approach—she believed we should send him to a space where there are fewer kids because state board schools tend to have a large number of students. Since this was the first time he would be stepping out, especially as a COVID baby, he would be by himself. Even though the fee structure was much higher than a state board school, we had to evaluate the pros and cons. So, we decided to give it time.

Even though it was urgent and important, we had to categorize it: What is urgent? What is important? What is urgent and important? What is urgent but unimportant? Often, with the passage of time, you realize that nothing changes drastically if you do not come to an immediate decision. The factor of time is so important.

If we can give each other time, if we can give the decision some time, take it to God, and sleep on it, we will grow into that decision. Eventually, we will understand which perspective makes more sense. And sometimes, even when your point of view seems better in your own eyes, just because you love someone, you let them make the decision. It becomes easier because you are showing love in letting go of your will.

You are saying, “I value you enough and love you enough to say that even though I do not agree with this point of view, whatever the repercussions or outcome, let us go with your decision.” What is the worst that can happen? We will deal with it.

If I do this once, my wife remembers, and she reciprocates. This is so important because we are often in such a hurry to decide and move on in our fast-paced lives that we do not allow space and time for proper decision-making. These are a few things we should keep in mind to avoid unnecessary conflicts.

Apostle Priji: One last question before we conclude.

Sometimes, when we make a decision, we may passively say yes to it. But when we see the outcome, it is very natural to blame the other person, saying, “This was your choice.” That is what Adam did. Even though he was present when Eve was eating the fruit, when God came and asked him to be accountable, Adam said, “The woman that you gave me made me do this.”

He shifted the blame back to Eve, even though he had agreed to it. A lot of us do the same—we make a decision together, but later, we point fingers and say, “It was because of him/her.” How can we avoid blame-shifting? Because in marriage, we need to take ownership of each other’s decisions and say, “We made this decision as a team.” We go through the blessings or challenges of it together as a team.

Pastor Vijay: Yes, that is so true. Now, some feminists in church may not like what I am about to say, but I personally believe that even though a decision is made together, as the head of the house, I am responsible. My wife would never allow me to take the blame always because she loves me, and I will not point fingers.

When we make a decision and go with one of our viewpoints, we must acknowledge that there was another way of doing it. But assigning blame is not the way. As the head of the house, I must say, “I agreed to it.” I am the leader of the house, the captain of the ship. Responsibility is mine.

Now, some may say this is a patriarchal way of thinking because it was, in fact, the woman’s decision. But eventually, God will come to Adam and ask, “Adam, where are you?” He did not ask Eve, “Eve, where are you?” God honored the hierarchy He had established. If God had spoken to Eve first, He would have been adapting the devil’s way of doing things because it was the devil who spoke to the woman first. So why did God go to Adam? Because Adam was responsible. Adam, the garden is yours. Yes, the decision was made together, but God came to Adam first.

So, as a husband, as the head of my house, I assume responsibility. Now, my wife sees that I am assuming responsibility, but she will come and say, “Hey, don’t be so hard on yourself. We made this decision together.”

Am I saying that I have always done it right? No. There have been times when we did not agree on things, and I went with my wife’s decision. Later, I have said, “See, it didn’t work out. I told you it would not work out.” But then I realized that we only went ahead with it because I agreed to it. There was no decision that we did not agree on together.

As men, our egos get bruised very easily. We like to be the decision-makers and say, “I told you so.” But with the privilege of saying “I told you so” comes the responsibility of answering to God.

God will ask me, “How have you led your house? How have you led your spouse in marriage? How much have you allowed your wife to speak into this marriage?” Because she definitely has a valid point of view.

If we can honor each other in that way, we will have better decision-making and happier marriages. No one wants to be in a marriage where one person is always blamed. And no one wants to be in a place where only one person assumes responsibility.

So, yes, we must help each other out.

Apostle Priji: Amen. At this point, would you take a moment to pray and bless our listeners? They may be in different seasons of marriage, waiting on the Lord for guidance in their decisions.

Pastor Vijay: Father, we thank You for this opportunity to discuss this subject. We pray for every listener right now—anyone struggling to make decisions, waiting on You for direction. Lord, may Your grace and the understanding of Your Word take over their lives and marriages.

May we understand that we are for each other in marriage, not against each other. May we value each other’s viewpoints, and may we have the grace to let go of our ideas so our spouse’s perspective can flourish.

Lord, help us identify each other’s strengths, recognize each other’s fears, and build each other up. May our decisions glorify You, and may our marriages reflect Your love to the world. We give You praise. In Jesus’ name, we pray. Amen.

Apostle Priji: Amen. Thank you, Pastor Vijay, for sharing from your personal experience. If you’re ever in Mumbai, visit His Nearness Church. Pastor Vijay and Virginia are a blessing and a source of godly counsel. Thank you once again!

If this conversation has blessed you, let us know in the comments and share it with your friends and family. God bless you! See you next time.