Marriage : Is it the Union of two families?
Welcome to marriage talk. Today, we have Lucy and Apostle Priji conversing on the biblical definition of marriage. Tune in to this conversation to gain understanding on the purpose of marriage!
Transcript:
Lucy: I’m gonna be your co-host for this course of the year. Thank you for everyone who has journeyed with us on this course of doing the podcast.
Apostle Priji: This year, we are going to bring in content, from a place and situations that we have gone through. I’m praying and hoping that the experiences of the couple who shares their life here, will be an eye opener for our listeners
Lucy: I want to talk about in-laws or rather not just in-laws but, extended family as a whole. I’ve struggled with the idea of two families coming together, in a marriage and it’s not just about the man and the woman. It’s a big thing, right? The extended family being involved in a marriage.
Apostle Priji: It may not actually look like a threat or a problem outside India. But, in India, this is a big issue because that’s the culture we are from and that’s what we have seen in our extended families and marriages. So, where we minister in our churches, we’ve seen people have a lot of issues because of the in-laws and extended families being involved in their marriage. In a sense, it can be that two churches are coming together because of a marriage. Two ministries, two anointing can come together because of a marriage. Marriage can cause two families to come together, also, it can cause a lot of things on the outside, to come together as well. I was in Delhi the other week and one of my sons, who’s pastoring, the church there. He had his own ministry and his wife had her own ministry before the marriage. But, when they got married, they let go of their individual ministry, names and titles, and they came together to start a new ministry together. And that’s how a new ministry was formed. We can’t say that marriage has to bring two ministries together. That’s the same thing about families, if we make it an essential thing, that every marriage needs to bring two families together, then we are putting unbiblical expectation on marriage.
Our definition for marriage comes from scripture. It doesn’t come from what is practiced in India, or any culture. Our definition of marriage comes from scripture and the biblical definition of marriage is that a man, he leaves his father and mother and he cleaves to his wife and they become one. Which means, it is impossible for you to come together in marriage completely, unless you disconnect from your parents, from your families, and you start your own family. It is not right for us to say that marriage is about two families coming together! It can cause your families to come together, but it is not about two families coming together. If we keep emphasizing on this, the kind of expectations both families will have from their daughter-in-law and son-in-law will be huge and nobody can live up to those expectations. I’m not saying that when we don’t have families, there are no problems. I’m just saying that it’s not the purpose of marriage. The purpose of marriage for me, is to become one with my spouse, I’m going to make sacrifices and put an effort to become one.
Lucy: In Indian culture, we don’t expect the man and the woman to live away from the man’s parents. It’s actually frowned upon in some cultures, to leave your parents and start your own.
Apostle Priji: I think it puts that couple into a bondage because, now these guys, they can’t really function as man and wife, because, they are still functioning as son and daughter-in-law. As long as they remain a son and daughter-in-law, they can never become the man and the woman of the house. They will always be under the authority of their parents or their in laws. But, if they can take that step to move out and live by themselves, they set a new pattern of what goes and what doesn’t go in their house. So, it is about two people who have a relationship with God, coming together to form a Marriage. A family that is in submission to God.
Bible says in New Testament, 1st Corinthians 7: “The head of the wife, is the husband and the head of the husband is Christ himself.” It doesn’t even say Pastor/ father-in-law/mother-in-law, nothing. The head of the husband is Christ, which means anyone else, who is interfering into this relationship between the man and the wife, it’s illegal, its unbiblical and is not allowed. The only person who can enter into your married relationship is Christ. It also applies to your children that you love dearly.
Lucy: That’s right. I know things are changing in this generation, but, when I got married 15 years ago, it was expected for a son to look after his parents. Even though, there’s nothing wrong with the idea of having to look after your parents, it is such an unnecessary burden that is put upon men especially. And sometimes they also say that, you’re not capable of living by yourself. So it’s good that you stay with your in – laws till you get a rhythm of how you can work things out. But, like you said, it is not what the Bible says.
Apostle Priji: We have to honour our parents, no doubt about it. We have to serve them and there will be a time or a season where we have to take care of them. Their health wouldn’t allow them to live by themselves and we are there to serve and fellowship with them. We are there to encourage them in that season, but at least in the initial phases of your marriage, it is very necessary that you detach, so that you discover what your family looks like. And then, when your parents come to live with you, they are not the head of the house. You’re the head of the house. They are guests in the house. They are allowed into your space, to come in and live with you. When they come to live with you, you get to set the rules. Otherwise, we are just trying to please everybody and, we end up missing out on what God ordained for a man and woman to be.
Lucy: I feel like a lot of people get confused with honouring your parents and obeying, they’re two different things. And I think that obedience is important, obedience has its own value. But, there are certain times when you should prefer obeying God, over obeying your physical authority.
Apostle Priji: You can still honour, love and serve them, but, when God is in the picture, when you know that this is what God is expecting of you, then you don’t listen to anybody else. Then God takes pre eminence there.
Lucy: The new generation finds it so easy to detach, where they are quick to cut ties. They are so detached with their parents, not considering the feelings of the older generation.
Apostle Priji: I understand that you’re a unit now, with your spouse and children. That does not mean that you completely give up on their thoughts or ideas. In scripture, where two generations coming together is Saul and David. The Latter honours his commitments all through his life, despite the fact that Saul is trying to kill him. He could have killed Saul, so many times, but he chose not to. The fact that David, in spite of his Previous generation being demon possessed, David did not dishonour him. He did not lift his finger against him. On the other side of the story as soon as David realised, if i continue to stay in this house, this is going become a practice. I’m going to become a target. So, it’s better that I get out of this place. This relationship becomes so abusive that now, it was threatening David’s life. So, if you feel that there is a big abuse in your relationship, with your parents or your in-laws, you have to detach yourself emotionally and physically. You cannot tolerate any kind of abuse. If it’s a one-time mistake, I understand that. But, if it’s a pattern and they’re not allowing you to function, as the man of the house or the woman of the house, then like David – He spoke to Jonathan and said, I want to live in this house, but, this is what your father is doing. What do I do? So eventually found a way to get out of the house. See he had all the comfort of being in the palace. And yet, he preferred staying in the wilderness with no food, clothing or shelter. So sometimes this detachment can cost you certain things, can cost you, your inheritance. But, it is worth that sacrifice.
So I think that’s the kind of honour God really enjoys and that’s why it’s said that David is a man after my own heart. So I feel that we need to have a balance. We can’t just say detach or don’t detach. We have to find out what is the reason that you want to run away? What is the reason that you’re so disconnected from this? What is the reason that you’re not? There is so much parents can actually teach you, from their stories, sacrifices that they’ve had to make. And, even the blessing that they give you, even if one good word that they speak over your life, that carries you for a long time. So, it’s a great honour to be blessed by your parents.
Lucy: Can relationships in a family get toxic?
Apostle Priji: I think that happens because, we don’t have the correct boundaries, we don’t define our relationships. As soon as you get married, your primary responsibility is, towards your wife, Your wife or your husband is the primary person in your life. Everybody else gets removed from being the number one priority. Nobody can talk to you or tell you things that is going to hurt your relationship with your spouse. If you’re entertaining their voice, that is going to be very destructive to you on a long-term. There can be things that are said in ignorance. We have to learn to discern when something is said in ignorance and something is intentionally done to hurt your relationship. Especially when it is an attitude, you have to withdraw, because, you can’t change their perspective by trying to be there. When you’re dealing with your mother, you have to explicitly say, she’s my wife, you can’t make her look like an outsider. You have to explicitly mention that an attack on her, is an attack on me. That’s the picture that everybody needs to get about you and your relationship. So my advice, especially to those who are heading into marriage – start drawing boundaries.
And if we do that early on, people will begin to value and respect your unity with your spouse, your oneness with your spouse. And that will be much more beneficial to you.
Lucy: We get our ideas of marriage from movies and series, but, our ultimate definition of marriage has to be from scripture. The culture we follow has to be scriptural.
Apostle Priji: The principles that we base our marriage on, has to be from scripture. Everything else can be worked upon as you go through life. The principles has to be something that God has said. Courses and books are good. There are many podcasts, that talk about marriage. You could even get a mentor, who can help you see something that you’re not seeing yourself. You can have someone that is not giving you advice constantly. But, somebody who is listening to you and seeing, if there is any contradiction in how you are behaving and how you are believing certain things. So, a lot of these things help, because we are bound to follow the culture that our parents have set before us, if we don’t bring any course, corrections, we are going to be exact replicas of our parents.
Lucy: When parents think that you’re ready for marriage, just because you’re of a certain age, and there’s this pressure on you, and then you meet someone who you want to get married to, but your thoughts don’t align, your values don’t align. And in a time like that, it’s better to take time off, but you see yourself in a dilemma.
Apostle Priji: I don’t think that there could ever be a time when you’re fully prepared for marriage. I’ve been married for 10 years and I’m still not prepared to do everything God is expecting me to do. Your level of openness to understanding, learning, getting perspective, getting help, will tell you if you’re ready to get married. If you’re still devoid of any understanding about marriage, then you shouldn’t get married, no matter what the parents are saying, no matter what culture, friends or people say, but if you’re ready to receive help, seek help, seek solutions and answers, you have a community around you who are willing to come by your side to pour into you, then it doesn’t matter even if you don’t feel prepared, you’ll have a family to really believe and push you through this.