This podcast is a repost, was originally published on Feb 17, 2018.

Here’s Pastor Priji and Rashmi having a conversation on overcoming anger and unforgiveness in marriage. Hope you will be blessed.

Transcript:

Matthew 6:15
The Bible says if you do not forgive others, God will not forgive your sins.

Welcome to our Saturday Special Marriage podcast. Here’s Pastor Priji and Rashmi having a conversation on overcoming anger and unforgiveness in marriage. Hope you will be blessed.

Pst. Priji Varghese: Having finished three years of marriage, we have found that a very critical element of marriage is communication.
Communication is something we have struggled with, because I would not speak out, but later I realized I need to express my thoughts because my wife does not hear my thoughts.
One of the major blocks to communication was anger.

Pst. Rashmi Varghese: The smallest of things would trigger my anger. I could not understand why so. And at these times I would look at him as being incapable of being a good husband, father or friend.
My anger was extreme coupled with violent thoughts that fortunately did not turn into actions.
In the whole process I was hurting him, myself, and unawares I was hurting the kids too, unable to understand the damage it was causing.

Pst. Priji Varghese: The Bible says that anger itself is not wrong, but that sinning as the result is.
We soon realised that anger was not the issue; the problems were deeper than what it seemed. Every emotion seen at the surface has a deep cause underlying it.
Having been of an environment of dominating people bullying over me, my natural response to someone trying to give me directions is to tell them to back off because I could do things my way.
There were so many such deeper issues of unforgiveness and bitterness.

Pst. Rashmi Varghese: I had not quite understood that there was an underlying issue until I took it to God. He revealed to me the betrayal I faced of a trusted friend, whose true nature was unmasked by someone upfront.
From disappointment, I gave in to fury.
From that moment, I saw every person I trusted back stabbing me and that would infuriate me.
Such things kept repeating but at the same time, I was helpless to do anything against them to hurt them, so all I did was to mentally fight them.
I grew extremely angry and I was prepared to hurt such a person physically if possible, but that being not possible, the repressed anger comes out on him (Pastor Priji) and close friends.

Pst. Priji Varghese: The same anger would sometimes burst even in normal conversations and in church due to the underlying anger we were harbouring.

Pst. Rashmi Varghese: This went on to the point of getting recurring headaches and sleeplessness.
It is a psychosomatic disorder. Anything that affects you psychologically tends to show up in your physical body.
Any repeated physical problem (like that I faced) has a negative emotion behind it.

Pst. Priji Varghese: When God revealed this to you, what did He tell you?

Pst. Rashmi Varghese: God’s answer is very simple. He just says to do it or leave it.
After trying to argue with Him and pointing out that He doesn’t feel the same, He reminded me that He faced the same issues. His trusted friends betrayed Him on the night of His arrest.

Pst. Priji Varghese: We tend to think that physical problems like headaches are God’s punishments without realizing that we call these things upon ourselves by refusing to forgive and let go.
The Bible says if you do not forgive others, God will not forgive your sins. (Matthew 06:15)
To the same degree to which we forgive others, we receive forgiveness from God.

Pst. Rashmi Varghese: You may have a hundred reasons to not forgive and remain in the muck and feel vindicated. It is simply a victim mentality that also serves to gain sympathy and false justification for the anger and outbursts.

Pst. Priji Varghese: It has been so since Eden. Adam blames Eve and Eve the serpent.

Pst. Rashmi Varghese: The serpent could very well have said, “Well, you did it”.

Pst. Priji Varghese: We tend to not take the blame and direct it on someone else.
Is it possible to forgive someone?

Pst. Rashmi Varghese: It is possible.
The wrongdoings of the past kept playing in my mind, but I understood later from someone that the three people who treated me unfairly were stuck at the same place they were back then, while we all had moved on. That knowledge made me feel good for the suffering they were going through.
It made me feel like I was in control, like God was avenging me.
But I missed it. When I was a child of God, how could I forget that that person is also a child of God?
Later then, I had to come and face the hard choice and say, “God, I forgive them”.
It is possible to forgive. Make the hard choice. It is just as simple as leaving it in His hands.

Pst. Priji Varghese: The fruit of the Spirit is kindness, self control, gentleness, patience, goodness.

Pst. Rashmi Varghese: God is good. We ought to be good too.

Pst. Priji Varghese: The best example of goodness is given by Jesus when He asks you to turn in the other cheek if a person slaps you on one. If one forces you to walk a mile, go with them two.
God says that He makes the rain fall on the good and bad, wicked and righteous alike. That’s the kind of goodness God expects from us.

Pst. Rashmi Varghese: Something God told me is that all of our negative emotions were because I was looking at myself through the eyes of the other person.

Pst. Priji Varghese: We tend to value ourselves based on the perception of the other person who wronged us, looking down on ourselves.

Pst. Rashmi Varghese: We need to take our eyes off others and just look at the Father.
There’s a song that says He’s our Saviour, Redeemer, etc, but His favourite Name is “Father”.
Look at yourself from His perspective. It hit me like a rock.
When I looked myself from His perspective, when He says He loves me, He will not betray me, He is good, and that means that I am loved.

Pst. Priji Varghese: When you look at yourself from God’s eyes, you will see how loved you are.
This is not just for married people. This is for everyone.
We were not upset with each other. God had to deal with the deep rooted issues.

Marriage is a beautiful covenant, forgiving is possible!