The Differences in Marriage

In today’s Marriage Talk, Pastor Priji converses with Florentina Lobo (Lucy) who shares her journey in marriage. She shares her perspective on differences and how God has moulded her marriage.

Transcript:

Pastor Priji: Good Morning! Welcome to Marriage Talk! In today’s episode, we have Lucy and Ereld, well-known friends and are a part of our church family. They have also been blessed with two kids. Lucy will be carrying most of the conversation today! Would you take a moment to greet our listeners?

Lucy: Hello everyone, I’m Lucy also known as Florentina. I’m very grateful to Pastor Priji and Rashmi for giving me the opportunity to take part in this podcast. I also would like to thank my spiritual parents Pastor Vijay and Pastor Virginia as we are aware that we have reached so far is because of them. We hope to pray that this podcast blesses people who are looking for marriage, in marriage or answers for a puzzled mind!

Pastor Priji: Amen! I’d like to know about your journey. How did you meet Ereld and know that he is the man that you need to spend the rest of your life with? How long have you’ll been married?

Lucy: This December, completes our 14 years in marriage. We met when I was in college and met cause of basketball as we both loved sports. It started off when a really good friend of mine who had a crush on Ereld and asked me to talk on her behalf to get them started. Eventually, we started dating in no time. Initially, when we started dating I was not sure that he was the one but as time passed by, I felt like there was nobody that loved me like him. Even though, he is not an expressive person as the opposite of me, the way he expressed his love made me realise that he is the one for me.

Pastor Priji: If the motivation of marriage is superficial, then it will not stand the test of time. Every marriage founded on unconditional love stands forever. I’d like to know what were your expectations and dreams of your marriage? How did your ideal marriage look like?

Lucy: My expectations were so high. Most young girls have expectations that are unreal because of the media that we have been influenced by. We tend to feel everything goes perfect after meeting the person and it’s smooth as portrayed in movies and songs. I thought marriage would be perfect due to the unrealistic thoughts in my head. When I and Ereld got into marriage, nobody guided us through marriage and the realistic version of it. We went through a process in our marriage. I would like to encourage you by saying it is fine to confide in spiritual parents. If we had a chance of spiritual parents when we were married, it would have been so different. The pain in expectations falling out was hurtful. It was not either of our faults but it was because of the unrealistic picture we had built in our heads. We are still growing and learning and striving to falter anymore

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Pastor Priji: Praise God! I’d like to know in your story, when did you feel that you have not been living up to your expectations? What we’re the reasons behind it? And, how the Lord carried you through in the process?

Lucy: I wanna share something really personal which is the mistakes in my marriage knowing that God has been living, compassionate towards me in the third process.
Because of the human expectations that I had, I made a very big mistake. However, God doesn’t look at it as a big mistake but in human eyes, it may seem so. Before I say this, I would like to say it is important to guard the words that come out of our mouths. I had a good friend who knew we were to get married we were having a conversation 6 months ahead of marriage. He asked me whether I felt butterflies and excited, I replied unsure if Ereld was the one and mentioned all my other guy friends who I met earlier and the ones who asked me out, even casually picked out the name who I was talking to. He was surprised and said that he doesn’t look at me like that. I said that it was casually saying and not realistic.

Later, I realised that my words had put a thought on someone’s mind. Ereld’s job involved travelling and when he was offshore for work, the friend and I got really close and it was a difficult relationship. We started spending so much time together and developing feelings for each other. I realised that I was doing something really miserable.

The moment Ereld had come back, I wanted to tell him that this happened before we got married. He was shocked and took his time. When I thought to myself and reasoned it out, I needed love when he was not around and I seek it in someone else. As I went by the emotion, brought me to a place where I needed something more than just the love of my fiance. It was very heartbreaking for the three of us. And I asked Ereld if he’d still want to marry me, he took time and told me that he wanted to. I knew I messed up and inspire that he chose to get married to me. He didn’t give up on me.

Because I was so addicted to another kind of love that I was receiving, I continued in that relationship as well and placed him in the dark. Even after we were married, I still had a relationship with this person which was unhealthy and brought me to a place of guilt and drifted from God and good friends. As I knew that there was darkness within me, everything that had light was gone away from me. I dragged this in my marriage for about a year or so.

I reached a point where I questioned the other person about why he was still pursuing me? And he said, there is always divorce. A thought immediately snapped that is something I wouldn’t do, as for something that is not Ereld’s fault I would never leave him. I’m thankful for people who laid strong values as foundations.

At one moment, we cut off from each other. We tried many times with our own strength but when the realisation hit me, we stopped.
6 months later on my birthday, there was a convention of Prophet Shyju, he was led by the spirit and spoke about setting free from sin. In a crowd, I felt like he was personally talking to me. When he made the altar call, I ran to the stage. He laid his hand and prayed and said ‘let go’. As I let go of the rod I was leaning on to physically while he was praying there was a spiritual letting go. I let go of the guilt. It felt like I was being lifted from the miry clay.

My life changed completely. Ereld had come down, and I wanted to tell him everything. In this one year of marriage, what I needed to give Ereld was what I gave to this other boy. So the love and attention were diverted. I felt really guilty. I told him about everything and I shattered. He held my hand and said it’s okay and he was willing to let it go. When he said that, I was filled with love for this man all over again. I realised that this is what I needed from this person.

It was very humbling. And the way God had brought me out and after that, it has been a rollercoaster yet beautiful.

Pastor Priji: The biggest thing that the enemy keeps away from people flourishing in their marriage is guilt. What do you think youngsters should lay as boundaries in marriage to protect your heart, words and mind?

Lucy: The generation is driven by feelings, we tend to think that it is okay to do this because we are feeling it right now. If we are Christians, we are called not to be driven by emotions but by Spirit. Let us not be a generation that is driven by feelings. It is not easy to set boundaries when we are young. When you go by your heart, it can be very deceiving. When you’ve been led by your heart, it leads to irrational decisions. We need to renew our mind to think the way God wants you to think. The few boundaries are:
1. Guard your tongue.
2. Intentional about not hurting the other in marriage.
3. Keep a limited time with each other before marriage
4. Come back to be accountable to your spiritual parents.
5. Be open and transparent to ideas, body language and thought processes..
6. Be transparent and talk to each other about everything.

Pastor Priji: How has your dependency on God helped your marriage?

Lucy: God started speaking in different manners and this made decisions easier as the Spirit was leading me. There was a shift in my thinking about His love. I understood what my first’s love for me was so I could love unconditionally. Just being vulnerable to God, brought in ideas and thoughts. Our life has been beautiful was because when we got into alignment with our spiritual parents.

Pastor Priji: God has not only given us instructions for spiritual growth but for marriage as well.